INSTRUCTIONS FOR HOW TO GET AHEAD IN LIFE.

01.  You don’t need to read this and I didn’t need to write it.

02.  Give me a break.

03.  Do me a favor and go fuck yourself.

04.  Still reading? Okay fine, yeah why not, a bit of a masochist are we? Fuck you.

05.  Drop out of school.

06.  Smoke a cigarette in front of your mom.

07.  Try to estimate your net worth.

08.  Fuck around for a while but not for too long. Figure yourself out goddamnit, stop getting involved in embarrassing situations that require apologies. After you’ve sworn off the fucking around, discretely initiate an inappropriate affair and do everything in your power to keep it under control. Treat this as a learning experience. You will develop skills that can be applied to many other areas of your life.

09.  Stop listening to these sappy faggot singer-songwriters on acoustic guitar. That garbage belongs in the liberal arts college campus coffee shop and you should grow up. From now on you only listen to R&B.

10.  If you’re a white guy in a really fun rap group you should stop reading this right now and go think about what you’ve done.

11.  Read every word ever written by Nancy Mitford. Read all of her works of fiction and non-fiction, including every magazine article she wrote for various periodicals before hitting it big and focusing on French biographies.

12.  Would it kill you to shut up for five minutes?

13a. Begin the long journey toward understanding how little your point of view matters. Erase the false conditioning of early education that focused on inflating your sense of self-esteem. People with accurate senses of self-esteem adjust according to the fact that there are seven billion individuals on the planet competing for the same limited amount of esteem. Be sure to regularly lower your self-concept to a level below what you’ve been taught to think you deserve.

13b. Turn around and step-by-step start making a way back toward one day saying something relevant to add to the conversation. Recognize that the “conversation,” in whatever scope you interpret the word, be it party talk or something of more global significance, involves a forum of mostly idiotic people who have not adequately completed step 13a.

      14.Take stock of your physical looks. Honestly and pragmatically determine just what kinds of people you are most suited to take advantage of and never forget.

1          15. Be cavalier about taking on extra debt.

1          16. Laugh derisively whenever the opportunity arises.  

1          17. Weigh thyself.

1          18. Stop talking to people who are never going to help you get ahead in whatever pitiful life pursuit you’ve by now settled upon. Recognize the unfortunate capitalistic stratagem wherein you might be “getting ahead” and then try to determine what it is exactly you are “getting ahead” of and if this metaphor even applies.

1         19. Slap a FUPA.

2         20. Here’s a tip:

2         21. Never.

2         22.